Beauty in Pain

Yesterday may have been one of the heaviest and most difficult training days of my life. I recently increased my working weight on my squats, and after working to a max snatch and max clean & jerk, I was not super excited about 4x3 squats at 90% (which was my old 95%) followed by heavy pulls at 110%. I hit a 3RM PR, then had to do it three more times. To be honest, my body was starting to fail me. Before each set, I had to recite Psalm 73:26 in my head over and over again- "my flesh and my heart may fail, but the Lord is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." This helped me remember that my body has limits, and will eventually fail me, but the Lord is limitless and will never fail me. What also drove me was knowing that there is beauty in pain- often, the more severe the pain, the more severe the beauty. Let me explain.

I have to be honest, heavy back squats are not exactly my favorite. In fact, neither are light ones. I constantly find myself asking the question, "Why are you doing this?" Why do I undergo the sore knees? Why do I go through the moments where I want to puke? Why do I endure all of the pain that comes with going under the bar? The answer is simple- hope. Hope that going heavy makes me stronger. Hope that doing one extra rep will help me lift more in the future. Hope that the reward will bring me joy. What makes the pain worth enduring is the hope, and the knowledge that in the midst of the pain there is beauty. It's a beautiful thing that I can move, that I can squat, that I can persevere, that I can endure. It hurts, and it's not fun in the moment, but lifting our eyes allows us to see with perspective.

Life is full of these painful moments. We've all been there- losing a loved one, going through a break up, having to hear some news that is difficult to swallow. These moments bring us to our knees, fill our eyes with tears, and stab our hearts with pain. Our head swims with questions: Why? What is God doing? How could this happen? But what helps us endure is hope. Hope that our God is good, that He is for us and always has our best interests at heart, and that His love for us is deep and unending. Hope that our pain will sanctify us, and make us more like Christ. Hope that one day, "every tear will be wiped away" (Rev 21:4). One the most raw, grief-stricken, and beautiful passages of scripture lays out for us both the depths of pain and the heights of God's love-

"I am the man who has seen affliction, 

under the rod of his wrath; 

he has driven and brought me

into darkness without any light; 

surely against me he turns his hand

again and again the whole day long.

He has made my flesh and my skin waste away;

he has broken my bones; 

he has besieged and enveloped me

with bitterness and tribulation;

he has made me dwell in darkness

like the dead of long ago.

He has walled me about so that I cannot escape;

he has made my chains heavy;

though I call and cry for help,

he shuts out my prayer;

he has blocked my ways with blocks of stones;

he has made my paths crooked.

He is a bear lying in wait for me,

a lion in hiding;

he turned aside my steps and tore me to pieces;

he has made me desolate;

he bent his bow and set me

as a target for his arrow.

He drove into my kidneys

the arrows of his quiver;

I have become the laughingstock of all peoples,

the object of their taunts all day long.

He has filled me with bitterness;

he has sated me with wormwood.

He has made my teeth grind on gravel,

and made me cower in ashes;

my soul is bereft of peace;

I have forgotten what happiness is;

so I say, 'My endurance has perished;

So has my hope from the Lord.'

Remember my affliction and my wanderings,

the wormwood and the gall!

My soul continually remembers it

and is bowed down within me.

But this I call to mind, 

and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

His mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul,

'therefore I will hope in Him."

The Lord is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul who seeks him.

It is good that one should wait quietly

for the salvation of the Lord.

It is good for a man that he bear

the yoke in his youth.

Let him sit alone in silence

when it is laid on him;

let him put his mouth in the dust-

there may yet be hope;

let him give his cheek to the one who strikes,

and let him be filled with insults.

For the Lord will not

cast off forever,

but, though he caused grief, he will have compassion

according to the abundance of His steadfast love;

for he does not afflict from his heart

or grieve the children of men."

-Lamentations 3:1-33

There is coming a day when all pain comes to an end, when every problem is solved, when every tear is wiped away. Until that day, we endure the troubles of this world in hope that one day Christ will make all things new. Until he does, we are to seek beauty in the midst of pain- that despite our hurting hearts we can still love,  and that the pain is a reminder to us that all is not as it should be, but that our King will sustain us, bring joy to our hearts, and bear our burdens.

Blessings.

Devil in a Red Dress

Training isn't always easy. In fact, most days it's extremely difficult. Most beginners PR every day, and every day is a new experience filled with joy and rainbows. Anyone who has been a weightlifter for any serious amount of time knows that you don't PR every day, and most days are a serious struggle. I feel like every morning, while I am lying in bed, I wonder how the heck I am every going to lift a weight. "I'm tired, I'm sore, I feel like crap, I feel like a 600 pound gorilla beat me up in my sleep last night." These are the thoughts running trough my head. "Maybe today is a good day for a rest day..." is the tempting phrase that runs through my head.

One of the weightlifters I respect and admire the most, Jon North, refers to this phenomenon as The Devil in a Red Dress. She is the beautiful devil that tempts you to quit, to take it easy, to take a day off. She is the warm bed, the promise of pain free muscles, the hope of un-achy joints. But she is empty promises. She is deceptive. She is misleading. If you trust her, you will not take two steps forward, but two steps back. This is a reality and an experience every serious weightlifter will undergo. When you train hard, your body pays a price, and often times we think that means we are doing something wrong. "I must be overtraining. My programming must be too hard. I must be doing too much volume, or too much or intensity, or both. I must be doing something wrong." Lies! When your body hurts the most, you must beat it into submission without refrain. You must trust your coach. You must trust the program. And you must persevere.

There have been many times that I have considered quitting, or just doing weightlifting recreationally. My doubts and insecurities are not just limited to the platform though- I often feel that same way sitting in the pew on Sunday mornings. For the Christian, not every day is a mountaintop experience. For me, it seems from time to time I experience seasons of spiritual dryness. In these seasons, I feel that no matter what I am doing, I haven't done enough to earn God's love, and as a result I am not feeling his presence. My time in the word is dry, my prayers seem to just bounce off the ceiling, and I don't feel any joy in worship. "I must be doing something wrong." St. John of the Cross, a Roman Catholic Saint of the 16th century, wrote a poem entitled The Dark Night of the Soul in which he identifies the causes, and the benefits of such time:

"Souls begin to enter this dark night when God, gradually drawing them out of the state of beginners (those who practice meditation on the spiritual road), begins to place them in the state of proficients (those who are already contemplatives), so that by passing through tis state they might reach that of the perfect, which is the divine union of the soul with God."

"He leaves them in such dryness that they not only fail to receive satisfaction and pleasure from their spiritual exercises and works, as they formerly did, but also find these exercises distasteful and bitter."

"This glad night and purgation causes many benefits even though to the soul it seemingly deprives it of them."

"The first and chief benefit this dry and dark night of contemplation causes is the knowledge of self and one's own misery. Besides the fact that all the favors of God imparts to the should are ordinarily wrapped in this knowledge, the aridities and and voids of the faculties in relation to the abundance previously experienced and the difficulty encountered in this practice of virtue make the soul recognize its own lowliness and misery, which was not apparent in the time of its prosperity." 

"As a result the soul recognizes the truth about its misery, of which it was formerly ignorant. When it was waling in festivity, gratification, consolation, and support in God, it was more content, believing that it was serving God in some way... Now that the soul is clothed in these other garments of labor, dryness, and desolation, and its former lights have been darkened, it possesses more authentic lights in this most excellent and necessary virtue of self-knowledge. It considers itself to be nothing and finds no satisfaction in self because it is aware that of itself it neither does nor can do anything."

Struggles are evidence of our sanctification, our passing from "beginners" to "proficients". Dryness is God's way of making us seek Him more deeply, and thus being rewarded with a more intimate and life giving relationship with him. The Devil in a red dress wants us to believe that we aren't good enough, that we will never be enough to please God, and that He is withholding His presence from us forever. But thanks be to God that "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). We must trust God when He says he "will take great delight in us and rejoice over us with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17).

Hold fast brothers, persevere, and trust in His love. Blessings

Reminders

Youtube has become a bit of a reality checker for me. I would like to think that I am strong and good at weightlifting, but all it takes is 10 minutes searching around on Youtube for me to be reminded that there are 13 year olds that are 4 weight classes below me that out-lift me. Point and case: CJ Cummings-

Reminders are good. They give us perspective and keep us grounded. One really cool reminder that I just learned of happens in 1 Samuel 21. David is on the run from Saul, and is tired and hungry from fleeing his pursuer. He comes across a priest, and asks for some bread. The priest, Ahimelech, tells David that the only bread he has left is the "bread of the presence." This bread was meant to be placed before the Lord as a reminder to Him of his everlasting covenant to fellowship with His people. On this day, however, the Lord used this bread as reminder to David.

How fitting is it that when David needed it the most, the Lord reminded him of His constant presence by providing David with sustenance through the bread of the presence. The Lord is intentional in all his ways, and likes to speak directly to our hearts, fears, and anxieties. In providing David with this specific bread, not only did he feed his immediate need (hunger) but provided him with a reminder that would feed his ongoing need- the need for David to trust Him in all things, especially turing this time of turmoil.

It would serve us well to be reminded of the many things we have to be thankful for- jobs, families, friends, houses, cars, clothes, food, joy, unneeded luxuries, many other things, but most of all our freedom from sin in Christ. He is the "bread of life" (John 6:36) who is our reminder of God's presence in our lives. He is our great High Priest, who's scars are laid before God moment by moment, reminding Him that our debt has been paid in full. 

Just a thought. Blessings

Sharpening

"Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." -Proverbs 27:5-6

As much as I hate it, having a good pair of eyes to coach you is something that I have found to be invaluable as an athlete. Most times, I tend to train alone, but I have been blessed enough in my time as a weightlifter to have several other guys to sharpen me in my attempts to lift more weights. Guys like Steve, Kyle, Matt, Jordan, and Josh have all made me a better lifter in several ways. When I watch them, it inspires and pushes me to be better, but they also are able to watch me and tell me what I am doing wrong. I often feel as if I am doing everything right, but as you can see from the video above, that simply isn't true. What I have found is that when these brothers tell me to change something, like to keep my weight back or to not smack the bar horizontally, there is initially some defensiveness that arises in my heart. This is due to my pride, the feeling that I am right and they are wrong. The fact of the matter is, though, that if the bar doesn't end up overhead, then I have done something wrong and need to humble myself enough to let others help. It would be easy to surround myself with people who do nothing but pat me on the back and tell me how awesome I am, but much harder to surround myself with critical thinkers who will challenge me and not let me get away with things I should not be doing. As with most things, the easy route is not the most rewarding route.

Weightlifting and my spiritual life continue to run parallel, and this concept holds true for the topic at hand as well. As humans, we tend to think the best of ourselves at all times, often to our own demise. I may give myself the benefit of the doubt, but others tend to see us for who we really are, and praise God when a brother or sister is bold enough to confront you about it. I had a conversation this week with my brother Chase that got me thinking about this. Chase and I lived together through college, and shared a room for two of those years. He may know me better than just about anyone in the world, and as much as I hate to admit it he sometimes even knows me and the motivations of my heart better than I do. As we were talking on the phone, he brought up some things in my life for me to question, and I immediately felt attacked and defensive. He sensed this, and apologized, but when the dust settled and I objectively thought about it, I realized that he was right about a few things. Due to my pride, I felt that I was right and he was wrong. We need others to sharpen us, to reveal to us where we have gone astray, and to point us back to Christ. The bible speaks of the blessings of friendship on multiple occasions:

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!" -Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Surround yourself with those who will push you to be better at your craft, and will challenge you to grow deeper in your affections for the King. It's hard, and sharpening hurts, but its worth it- there is beauty in pain. Blessings.

Familiar

One of the things I appreciate most about the barbell (or more generally crossfit/olympic lifting) is how familiar it has become to me. It doesn't matter where you go, the barbell is always the same. I have lifted in many cities in states, I have lifted when all is well and when all seems to be crumbling around me, I've lifted alone and with large groups, and the one thing that remains consistent is the barbell. I love that no matter what is going on in the world, it always feels the same in my hands or on my shoulders. The barbell doesn't care what kind of day you have been having, all that he cares about is that you pick him up. And inevitably, when I do the feel of the knurl in my palms makes all the troubles of the world seem to fade away. Because of its familiarity, it provides me with comfort and stability.

I was blessed this weekend to get to spend time around three of the people I love the most, one of whom was a brother that I lived with through college. When we graduated, Brett moved off to Maryland with his new bride Melissa, and he has been there for the past two years. Though we only get to talk about once a month, each time we reunite it is as if no time has passed. I was reminded of that this weekend- 30 seconds after he picked me up, we were already deep in conversation. I suppose when you share a room with someone for two years, you become pretty well acquainted with them (for better or for worse). It truly is a sanctifying experience, and creates a bond like no other. Brett, along with several other brothers, has been a rock of comfort and stability in my life because of the brotherhood we share, the bond we have in Christ, and because of our familiarity. It doesn't matter what kind of circumstances I am going through, I know I can always count on him to love me just the same. I was encouraged in spending time with him to grow in my affections for Christ, I was proud to get to watch him baptize his bride, and I am just proud of him in general at the man he has become- a "man after God's own heart." 

In spending time with Brett, Melissa, and Jessica this weekend, I was reminded of the ultimate stability and comfort that we have in Christ our King- that no matter where we are or what we do, no matter what is going on in our lives, through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, Jesus is always right there with us, loving us through every situation. Joseph Scriven penned the following hymn, which describes this quite well:

"What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!

What a privelege to carry everything to God in prayer!

Can we find a friend so faithful, who will all our sorrows share?

Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care? 

Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.

Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Lord in prayer!

In His arms He'll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.

Soon in glory bright unclouded, there will be no need for prayer,

 Rapture, praise and endless worship will be our sweet portion there."

Grabbing coffee and a cupcake... carb loading!

A bit dark and blurry, but visiting ol' Abe

Dead to sin, alive in Christ...

Raised to walk in the newness of life!

Bell tower

Biking through DC!

The capital building

Sunsets and monuments

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39